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6.15.14. - Entry XI: “A Normal Life”

It’s Father’s Day. I hate my dad. He hates people like me. But i dont wanna talk about that. I wanna tall about living a normal straight life. I wonder how it feels?

If i wasn’t gay, would i have a better life? A happy life? Probably yeah. I wish i was straight. Its weird. I like being gay but i want to be straight. Im not bisexual either. I dont know.

Sometimes i wish i was never born. This is not depression acting out. Its what I’ve always thought my whole life. If i wasn’t born i wouldn’t feel pain. I wouldn’t disappoint people and myself. I feel like a waste of space all the time.

I hope when i die, i get resurrected into a straight normal human being.

I wish i had normal life. A girlfriend. Loving parents. Brothers and sisters. Bestfriends. I wish i had a normal life.

P.S. Sometimes, i just don’t wanna be me. I wanna be a perfect person.

-John

6.14.14. - Entry X: “Soon is the Future”

Yes, it has arrived the end of my high school days. The start of summer. I’ve always had a mixed relationship with summer. I like it cuz you don’t have to wear lots of thick clothes. But i hate it cuz it’s sizzling hot.

Summer 2014 means i’m leaving New York. Maybe forever, maybe temporarily. I have no idea. The thing is i’m graduating and leaving this part of my life. It’s time to work on myself, my future, my life.

I’m ready to start this chapter of my life. No more sadness. But the anticipation for my death is still there. I won’t kill myself but I will let time kill me.

I have been also thinking about getting myself a dog. Since, i’m positive nobody is going to fall in love with me, i’m just going to go out with a much faithful living thing. Oh, I’ll soon introduce you to my little Lofrie.

P.S. I’m better than i was before… Keep this up, john.

-John

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